Most morning at my home typically start out like this…..

6:45 am at my house….Front door wide open as I head downstairs a sudden stop in my 8 year olds sons tracks. He was headed towards the kitchen with a 3 lb toad in his hand. Yep ! Barefoot and frog hunting in the rain I informed him much to his surprise I was not a real life witch and did not need eye of toad !! God Bless little boys….. and God help me ! This morning in particular started like this…..

At 6:30 am I hit another car in my driveway. 6:35 my husband embodied the father from Christmas story. He was thrilled ! 6:40 am I secretly get everyone expensive drinks from Starbucks. Emily handed me wrong card won’t be a secret. Surely husband is more thrilled. 6:45 am I am lost in Hollywood Park & Emily spills overpriced drink all over herself. 7am I arrive at swim meet late and eat spray sunscreen trying to figure out how to operate spray bottle. Here’s a hint don’t point it towards your open mouth. 7:22 I’m about to spend until at least 2pm disqualifying sweet young children. Be jealous friends ! Happy Saturday !Also Josh Davis whom I swam with my entire childhood didn’t remember me. I introduced Myself Mindy Madden from AHAC. He said ya good times there and wished me good luck. I can either be excited that I may possibly appear to be swimming 18 & under or just assume the whole day will be this way and call it TIME OF DEATH 7:29 AM . At times like these I would rather be making a poor call of judgment and feeding my family food that  a loose toad could possibly pissed on in some adventure in my kitchen with my son!

Mahli has swam 2 of her 3 events placing 1st both times. Judah has swam 1of his 3 & took 2nd. I am so proud. Emily and Claire are doing an excellent job getting into my unattended wallet and spending money on concessions ! Proud mom of 4 winners !

There are always things that make being me a little better when I make it comparative like for instance…..

There may or may not be a teenager at the swim meet in a tuxedo Speedo. The implications of a tuxedo speedo are endless. For example the singing jazz from with a top hat and cane is in my pants. My mom wants you to look directly at my penis. My dad is proud. I will buy you lobster first.  My favorite implication is I am not the parent making the worst judgment calls….When Emily my 11 year old innocent going into 7th grade got in the car she was all “Mom there was a  speedo there that were freaking me out . It  had a tuxedo on it and the  was a bow tie was well you know where.” all I could reply was I guess he was a fancy pants

Because I wasn’t ready to give her a life lesson she would eventually learn on her own. He was just another dick in a suit.

All of this is very Nostalgic for me and I begin to almost salivate at the idea of being on the bocks again. The whistle, the horn , the race, the smell of chlorine.  So I went to a San Antonio Masters adult swim practice.

In my imagination there will be people on the side waiting to be splashed as a form of entertainment as I dive in 🙂 — at Josh Davis Natatorium. It’s definitely all about muscle memory. I made 45 minutes of the 1 & 1/2 hours. My goggles popped I had to fix them. I was overwhelmed with familiarity. .. this is what I once did on purpose to rest Then after 4 200meter IMs I rushed to the restroom incase I was going to vomit. Such nostalgia … again something I did in the past to get out of practice. Yes I SA faces of disappointment and judgement as I left 45 minutes early but again all so familiar I felt at home 🙂 fingers crossed I make an hour tomorrow 🙂

I haven’t been back to a practice yet but I haven’t given up on the idea that I will. Mostly I am hoping to exercise enough that people will stop giving me looks of disappointment when they learn my sister is a famous pro body builder. I am still losing weight by maintaining my Body By Vi  shakes 2x a day. So I am going to end with shameless self promotion because writing a blog with terrible run on sentences and poor grammar doesn’t pay any bills.

So feel free to be helpful and order from any of the following


You Spin me Right Round Baby Right Round Like a Record (Not so much)

When I wrote about my first time at the fancy gym and my extreme yoga experience my dear friends that are members at this gym encouraged me to come back and try the spin class.

” Thank you” , “oh sure”, “sounds great” I politely respond to each invitation.

Here is the real deal :

As a small child I loved to walk through the neighborhood, explore and just be outside. My friends loved to ride their bikes . I would also politely agree to go bike riding back then. I would bring my bike, ride a few moments,  then when no one is looking climb off and continue the journey walking next to my bike while holding the handle bars.

I agreed to a spin class this morning with a friend. In  my mind its what beautiful sophisticated women do. I mean on the Real Housewives of Orange County Tamra opened a gym and on her InstaGram she talks about not being able to attend her husband’s spin class cause it’s booked. If I want to be beautiful myself I should be doing what beautiful people do. Right ? This impossible task will also justify Saturday and Sunday of nothing active and eating everything I can get my fat stubby fingers on.

So I  wake up on my 33rd birthday with a house that smells like dog because my husband brought one home as a surprise!!!!   I am quite sure I am allergic to it. Compliments of my husband’s sweet visit in for my birthday. A dog is against our lease and I have 4 children I care for. I am legally obligated because they are ours. The last thing on my wish lit is an eviction notice and something else to pee, vomit and crap everywhere. I am now more excited than ever for this 5:30 am spin class ! I can not wait to sweat out this layer of doggy dandruff and burn some calories.

Upon arrival I realize I have misplaced this small portion of Gold known as my 2 wk pass to the sexy people’s gym and they are not going to let me in unless I go back to my car get my ID and sign in as a day visitor. As I am walking back out some serious gym members are on their way in. Of course I hold open the door ! NOT ONE THANK YOU! Just another validation on my 33rd birthday that no one gives a damn.

(Enough of my passive aggressive ranting on door holding. I believe it’s something I can’t help like little man syndrome = I desire to be fit and beautiful but I lack that gene that makes you work hard and eat right and give a fu**. So I find other things I am good at like manners and social etiquette minus thank you notes and choose to go off on how much more evolved I am in this department. )

Finally in the spin class room. My friend the sweet Peruvian beauty informs me she loves the front row. I am a back row gal in all things included . Life ? BACKROW! As I head towards the back not once not twice but 3 times the instructor calls everyone to the front. By everyone I mean me and my friend. I begrudgingly obliged.  He measures the seat and everything. Tells me I am ready and I climb on. Climb is the proper adjective here because a spin class bike is not a normal bike it is awkward and designed for tall thin people that have long legs. I fall under none of the suggested categories. I am not tall, not thin, nor do I have long legs. I am now  in an almost fetal resting position but elongated more on top reaching out to the handle bars. I feel as though some abuser is coming at me and I can not quite make the full fetal position to cover my head . I feel just as frightened too. The sit is narrow and hard. I am so afraid the elongated stretch of my back will pull up my shirt and  with every pedaling involved  my pants will inch down. My muffin top pop out and push my pants until they expose my crack.. There are mirrors in front of me so I can properly see every roll of fat toppling over the next and we are called to stand and peddle. I am barely sitting and peddling. I am concentrating on how I can possibly adjust this bike from hell to be more comfortable and peddle the entire hour. Until I am aware that my sweet friend has requested a birthday song by all the beautiful people to me.

I am not a quitter but in this case that is exactly what I became. Okay I am a quitter. I couldn’t help it. My neurosis kicked in I imagined people talking later.I imagine if someone said I saw a girls crack in spin today maybe I could squirm by never completely being identified but if there were other identifying descriptions like the one that turned 33 and we sang o her in the 5:30 am spin class on Monday well it seals my fate. complete freak out. because in these moments in my head that is what people do they talk about me.

. I try to kindly and politely leave like in insanity class but imagine an elephant removing itself from a tiny unicycle.

 My departure wasn’t as secret as I had hoped. I waited in the Locker room that smells a lot less like Dillards at 5:30 am than it does at 9:30 am and cried a little. I am going to get there though. I am going to become more confident, thinner, healthier and I am going to finish a spin class . Just not today! Okay maybe never.

Nothing Funny About Being Insane

I would like to preface today that I truly mean no offense to anyone in anything I write. For example I , myself, once got Botox. My experience was this : I secretly collected funds so my husband would not lecture me about frivolous vanity spending. I went to a local plastic surgeon he drew all over me in marker even on my stomach letting me be completely aware of  every imperfection I have . He then went on and on about my stretch marks and how he wouldn’t even start a tummy tuck until I lost 30 more lbs. and then insisted on taking unflattering pictures of me in my underwear so I could also see the important need of plastic surgery beyond the Botox I initially  came in for. He then administered the poison between my eyes to get rid of the crinkle I hate for only the cost of my entire self esteem and $119.

Two days later I was headed to my friends lake house. As I followed in my car we made a pit stop. I placed my sunglasses on the dashboard and went inside the gas station. As I pulled out of the gas station parking lot my sun glasses fell on to the floor of the passengers side and I could not squint to block the sun because the muscles there were no longer accessible. I had to pull over to get my sunglasses just do I could finish the drive.

I think Carrot Top may struggle to squint also.

To continue on I found this urgent need to lose a large amount of weight when Pauly Shore recently posted a twitter pic on twitter featuring yours truly! In this photo I am  looking over while he snapped it and twitter followers referred to me as the big creepy girl. So public humiliation is something I am familiar with. When I expressed my absolute mortification Pauly kindly removed the photo. I had deleted my Twitter account but when my 11 year old daughter informed me it had been removed I got back on. I am no one to be offended by . Clearly I am only someone to be mocked or drawn on if you have a magic marker in your pocket.

Today I was in an Insanity class.  I entered the class  and by the looks of things obviously missed the warm up. So I jumped right in. as we did some sort of burpie like move ( a push up position bounces both knees in and out but never leaving the plank position)  I was banging myself in the chin with my own breasts. As we went up and down my legs and feet ached like I had broken bones. My serious lack of coordination had me hopping in the young girl next to me personal space. The instructor was kind and friendly. I just couldn’t do this. When he stated alright we are coming to the end of our warm up I am sure I gasped out loud! I quietly and politely excused myself .

I took myself to the treadmill where I beat my run club 22 minute mile by doing it in 18 minutes!  I recommend Insanity if you are not overweight and clearly love hopping around and also have a supportive bra on but I am just not ready for this class!

Runners Club

I’m not sure if it is due to a maturation that occurs but with my dissatisfaction with my general appearance and lifestyle when it comes to health I did not choose an eating disorder or cutting but instead chose a completely acceptable way to torture myself. I joined a runners club!

I was told this is fine for any level . It is fun and you will make friends! Perfect! I have runner friends . They are lean and toned and always smiling! They get a runners high. They seem to love whey shakes and veggie juices so I assume you acquire a taste for that disgusting stuff if you run. I mean it’s the extra endorphins right? Happy to swallow anything! Boy my husband will be so happy! I mean there was just no downside. I would attend and overtime like magic I would run! I would be a “runner”. I was in the army for a 6×2 reserve stint and my Chief ran with me to pass my PT test while my good friend Ore came back to sing and pace me after she finished. They just must not have known the magic of a runners club but 14 yrs. later it would happen I could feel it!

The idea itself was so inspiring !

After my first marathon I will immediately write Ft. Jackson and tell them about the runner’s club secret but first I will have to learn them !

You see in Basic Training and AIT the colonel would even come out and run with me. I have never been able to just get out and run. This runner’s club would be the magic trick.

 As soon as I arrived home that afternoon I threw on my sweat bands for my waist , arms and thighs, I put on my long pants, tank top with built in bra, and a sweater. In having such a good time and making new friends I might be able to sweat off a few pounds! Upon arrival one of my good friends with the big smile and high endorphin level from running was over the top elated to see me and her extra happy friend also greeted me with excitement! This runners club was already 100 times better than all these other work out classes.

There was an introduction in a room with the coaches and they engaged everyone divided people by levels and ordered us all shirts to wear together in the 5k will all enter. I went with my beginners group and luckily I knew a man in there. He was a friend’s father. Great I could become a runner with someone I already knew. We went to our beginning point and started.

I live in Texas and  within one minute I was drenched in sweat under my 5 layers of clothes. My beginners group was already in what I considered a full run and they describe as a jog. WTH ? My friend’s dad made it better by maintaining dialogue . He engaged me about his 5000 crunches a day and his age and injuries. I was not feeling a runners high! I was too winded to respond. I didn’t feel happy I felt angry! What trickery ! These people weren’t becoming runners at any level they were already runners! They wanted to run!  I was misled ! I wasn’t producing endorphins. Instead I was getting fat kid pains in my side. Just like the fat kids in gym class when you were in elementary school. You know the ones that started walking the track with their hands over their heads. As I listened and struggled through the 22 minute 1 mile I realized an man 2x my age doing 5000 crunches a day was kindly  slacking on his run to keep me company! one of the coaches even circled back to check on us because we had fallen out of eye sight. As we got closer to our original starting point it became increasingly obvious that this 22 year old coach was struggling to maintain my pace. The pace can only be described as an  I am about to die pace. Seriously, the young lady  couldn’t even keep her runners high smile on her face.

My friend’s father begins saying  ” man I feel great! My circulation is going ! I feel warmed up. My chest feels open I am breathing better!” When he pauses to ask “Isn’t this great?” I had to inform him that I was quite the opposite, My legs were tight and cramping. I was struggling for air and there was so much sweat pouring off me I felt gross. I also could not stop apologizing to my coach about her having to stay at my tortoise pace. To which she never replied! I had sucked happy right out of these runners and I was not getting my high!

When we reached the tent where we started I was greeted with high fives , oranges and cold water! People knew my name. They brought whey protein shake samples out and I thought they were delicious. Maybe there was hope! I still hate running. I am still not excited. My general demeanor has not changed and I ado not smile more. This said I am going to keep going back. They feed me here!

The Ellite Gym Experience

So today I utilized day 1 of my Lifetime Fitness 2 week pass. Courtesy of  a dear friend .

 Upon my arrival I became increasingly aware that one of these things it not like the other.   I lacked mid morning requirements. Apparently there is an unspoken rule of thumb for gym goers between 9:30 am and Noon. Such as

1.  Already being in great shape 

  2. Lip injections, breast implants, Botox and/or extensions. I believe any one of these or any combination of these would have fit the protocol but I lacked any and all of these..

 This being said I then found myself in the locker room that smells like Dillard’s ( expensive perfume and brand new make up) . The woman in there matching underwear already a sign of their superiority to a homemaker like myself . For me it was comparable to a college walk of shame yet  lacking any night before stories to laugh about and ignore the obvious idea that I did not belong.

 With my bleach spotted Yoga pants (because their first use was to be worn while cleaning house .

  I  sucked it up and got a locker . With complete determination I  made my way to the Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga class. Do any of you know what this is ? I innocently thought it is just a fancy name for a yoga class because I am at a fancy gym. It is what I now believe to be where Cirque du Soleile finds their recruits. I am ahead of myself divulging this so early on. I went because I thought what an easy way to start maybe make an acquaintance and relax in child pose. The room is heated so the fluffy people like me are all sweat 2 seconds in. The heat makes an allergy induced asthmatic like me a total nightmare of a mouth breather to be next to. obviously I wasn’t making friends. I said hello to the lady I set my mat down by. She was unimpressed and gave no response. Most likely because I wore my shoes into the class and obviously eat gluten, lotus bind , floating downward dog I heard the lining in the crotch of my yoga pants rip. I was too mortified and praying for someone to pass gas to even check on the damage until I was home . Luckily was only inside lining so no one was shown the goodies. If I am honest no one would be looking and no one would be calling it goodies. Tomorrow I’m trying a different class and time! If anyone needs a buddy let me know.

Crossfit left me cross and I am still not fit

I believe like most women in America getting “fit”  is as rollercoaster as yo-yo diets and we never meet most of our health and wellness goals. Possibly due to two main factors the first being we are completely out of our minds with our expectations and secondly those of us with children do not have time or money to hit the gym.

 Of course I am aware of the mom who had her kids and perfect body all over the media and was asking “what’s your excuse?”

The first answer to her post is well easy I unlike her am not a personal trainer so I do not only become supplied with a free membership but also get paid by others to be with them in a gym. The rest of the answers range from cleaning up vomit all the way  to paying for braces. I just don’t believe the hype. This however could sum up why I am fat….

When I was younger I was so thin and beautiful. I almost feel like it is my duty to maintain this . That it is an expectation by those that knew me and not living up to that is offensive in some way. Or that being so thin when I met my husband it is a breach of our marital contract that I allow my waist line to keep expanding. This is all really just an introduction into the health side of my journey into life and into my 30’s.

I started this adventure in getting healthy by attending a 5 am cross fit class as a free guest with a friend. This is a perfect time for me because the kids are sleeping along with happy people. (Yes no one awake at this time is part of any chipper group of people) I however awoke to an alarm going off at 4:14 am. My first thoughts of course are to call or text text my friend some lame excuse and cancel. Instead I checked my Facebook.

My private message inbox is filled with a letter of what more I could be doing for my friend that is living in our office with free room/board and groceries. Then on my news feed it’s an episode of Everyone loves Raymond !!! My mother- in law is honest to God complaining about my 30 days of gratitude because she doesn’t find it appropriate that I have not yet mentioned my husband!!!

Next my friend that is so fit and fabulous already begins the lame excuse texting! Nope , not going to happen. I now how so much fury I am ready to hit the gym. No coffee needed with this sort of motivation and my already hot bodied friend is not getting out of taking my blubbery butt to her class!

When we walk in people are unpleasant , miserable grumpy cat faces on .Keep in mind though all the happy people are asleep.  I do what only seems logical and greet them all in this way ” This class must be awesome you all look so happy.” No one laughs their sense of humor has been sucked right out with days of 4:14am  alarm rings!

 The instructor reminds me of  Mike, “the situation” from Jersey Shore but less fit. Equally annoying and just the right touch of douche by wearing a Brittney Spears head set to lead the class.  My friend obviously comes irregularly to class because he is barking things like “if you come everyday” as we get our equipment and continues to harass her the entire hour. I too am losing my hope in my friend at this moment because what sort of idiot pays to be yelled at by a Jersey shore cast reject for an hour from a Brittney spears microphone?

We begin in partner exercises. 30 cleans as fast as you can.  We go through step by step first. The woman in front of me is already in great shape .  As she bends down ,her black tights are see through. I am not completely sure what face I may have been making , possibly dear in headlights but I could see her asshole. Her actual asshole! I was in shock ! RED EYE ALERT!  A million thoughts race through a woman’s head in times like these…  Do I tell her? No ! That bitch never said hello. Is it on purpose? That’s her butthole right?  It has to be has to be , I can see the color shading of each circle.

Luckily –  I was pulled out of my trance ! The instructor is looking at me  saying eyes up eyes always up! Perfect , he saw my face! He probably thinks I am a pervert and  a lesbian .Coming to his class with my female friend at 5 am looking 60% less cute than these other ladies does not help right now.

I did my cleans in half the time of my buddy. She was amazed.” How? How? How?” Have you ever hated something so much you just want to hurry up and be done? That’s how I am with that stuff! I will do it the whole thing but I am going to hurry up and get it done. Her toned physique obviously comes from her passion for fitness  my working out and making it through comes from hate. I hate working out and I hate being fat so lets get it over with!

On the way home I asked why the trainer hated her so much   – apparently Jersey shore isn’t the only place he may have been rejected… Explains a lot but at least she is safe he may now think she is a lesbian coming with me ! Eyes up eyes always up!

Post cross fit class for two days I had to have a hand on each wall just to brace myself onto the toilet! Here is hoping it gets better from here!