Crossfit left me cross and I am still not fit

I believe like most women in America getting “fit”  is as rollercoaster as yo-yo diets and we never meet most of our health and wellness goals. Possibly due to two main factors the first being we are completely out of our minds with our expectations and secondly those of us with children do not have time or money to hit the gym.

 Of course I am aware of the mom who had her kids and perfect body all over the media and was asking “what’s your excuse?”

The first answer to her post is well easy I unlike her am not a personal trainer so I do not only become supplied with a free membership but also get paid by others to be with them in a gym. The rest of the answers range from cleaning up vomit all the way  to paying for braces. I just don’t believe the hype. This however could sum up why I am fat….

When I was younger I was so thin and beautiful. I almost feel like it is my duty to maintain this . That it is an expectation by those that knew me and not living up to that is offensive in some way. Or that being so thin when I met my husband it is a breach of our marital contract that I allow my waist line to keep expanding. This is all really just an introduction into the health side of my journey into life and into my 30’s.

I started this adventure in getting healthy by attending a 5 am cross fit class as a free guest with a friend. This is a perfect time for me because the kids are sleeping along with happy people. (Yes no one awake at this time is part of any chipper group of people) I however awoke to an alarm going off at 4:14 am. My first thoughts of course are to call or text text my friend some lame excuse and cancel. Instead I checked my Facebook.

My private message inbox is filled with a letter of what more I could be doing for my friend that is living in our office with free room/board and groceries. Then on my news feed it’s an episode of Everyone loves Raymond !!! My mother- in law is honest to God complaining about my 30 days of gratitude because she doesn’t find it appropriate that I have not yet mentioned my husband!!!

Next my friend that is so fit and fabulous already begins the lame excuse texting! Nope , not going to happen. I now how so much fury I am ready to hit the gym. No coffee needed with this sort of motivation and my already hot bodied friend is not getting out of taking my blubbery butt to her class!

When we walk in people are unpleasant , miserable grumpy cat faces on .Keep in mind though all the happy people are asleep.  I do what only seems logical and greet them all in this way ” This class must be awesome you all look so happy.” No one laughs their sense of humor has been sucked right out with days of 4:14am  alarm rings!

 The instructor reminds me of  Mike, “the situation” from Jersey Shore but less fit. Equally annoying and just the right touch of douche by wearing a Brittney Spears head set to lead the class.  My friend obviously comes irregularly to class because he is barking things like “if you come everyday” as we get our equipment and continues to harass her the entire hour. I too am losing my hope in my friend at this moment because what sort of idiot pays to be yelled at by a Jersey shore cast reject for an hour from a Brittney spears microphone?

We begin in partner exercises. 30 cleans as fast as you can.  We go through step by step first. The woman in front of me is already in great shape .  As she bends down ,her black tights are see through. I am not completely sure what face I may have been making , possibly dear in headlights but I could see her asshole. Her actual asshole! I was in shock ! RED EYE ALERT!  A million thoughts race through a woman’s head in times like these…  Do I tell her? No ! That bitch never said hello. Is it on purpose? That’s her butthole right?  It has to be has to be , I can see the color shading of each circle.

Luckily –  I was pulled out of my trance ! The instructor is looking at me  saying eyes up eyes always up! Perfect , he saw my face! He probably thinks I am a pervert and  a lesbian .Coming to his class with my female friend at 5 am looking 60% less cute than these other ladies does not help right now.

I did my cleans in half the time of my buddy. She was amazed.” How? How? How?” Have you ever hated something so much you just want to hurry up and be done? That’s how I am with that stuff! I will do it the whole thing but I am going to hurry up and get it done. Her toned physique obviously comes from her passion for fitness  my working out and making it through comes from hate. I hate working out and I hate being fat so lets get it over with!

On the way home I asked why the trainer hated her so much   – apparently Jersey shore isn’t the only place he may have been rejected… Explains a lot but at least she is safe he may now think she is a lesbian coming with me ! Eyes up eyes always up!

Post cross fit class for two days I had to have a hand on each wall just to brace myself onto the toilet! Here is hoping it gets better from here!


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