The Ellite Gym Experience

So today I utilized day 1 of my Lifetime Fitness 2 week pass. Courtesy of  a dear friend .

 Upon my arrival I became increasingly aware that one of these things it not like the other.   I lacked mid morning requirements. Apparently there is an unspoken rule of thumb for gym goers between 9:30 am and Noon. Such as

1.  Already being in great shape 

  2. Lip injections, breast implants, Botox and/or extensions. I believe any one of these or any combination of these would have fit the protocol but I lacked any and all of these..

 This being said I then found myself in the locker room that smells like Dillard’s ( expensive perfume and brand new make up) . The woman in there matching underwear already a sign of their superiority to a homemaker like myself . For me it was comparable to a college walk of shame yet  lacking any night before stories to laugh about and ignore the obvious idea that I did not belong.

 With my bleach spotted Yoga pants (because their first use was to be worn while cleaning house .

  I  sucked it up and got a locker . With complete determination I  made my way to the Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga class. Do any of you know what this is ? I innocently thought it is just a fancy name for a yoga class because I am at a fancy gym. It is what I now believe to be where Cirque du Soleile finds their recruits. I am ahead of myself divulging this so early on. I went because I thought what an easy way to start maybe make an acquaintance and relax in child pose. The room is heated so the fluffy people like me are all sweat 2 seconds in. The heat makes an allergy induced asthmatic like me a total nightmare of a mouth breather to be next to. obviously I wasn’t making friends. I said hello to the lady I set my mat down by. She was unimpressed and gave no response. Most likely because I wore my shoes into the class and obviously eat gluten, lotus bind , floating downward dog I heard the lining in the crotch of my yoga pants rip. I was too mortified and praying for someone to pass gas to even check on the damage until I was home . Luckily was only inside lining so no one was shown the goodies. If I am honest no one would be looking and no one would be calling it goodies. Tomorrow I’m trying a different class and time! If anyone needs a buddy let me know.


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