You Spin me Right Round Baby Right Round Like a Record (Not so much)

When I wrote about my first time at the fancy gym and my extreme yoga experience my dear friends that are members at this gym encouraged me to come back and try the spin class.

” Thank you” , “oh sure”, “sounds great” I politely respond to each invitation.

Here is the real deal :

As a small child I loved to walk through the neighborhood, explore and just be outside. My friends loved to ride their bikes . I would also politely agree to go bike riding back then. I would bring my bike, ride a few moments,  then when no one is looking climb off and continue the journey walking next to my bike while holding the handle bars.

I agreed to a spin class this morning with a friend. In  my mind its what beautiful sophisticated women do. I mean on the Real Housewives of Orange County Tamra opened a gym and on her InstaGram she talks about not being able to attend her husband’s spin class cause it’s booked. If I want to be beautiful myself I should be doing what beautiful people do. Right ? This impossible task will also justify Saturday and Sunday of nothing active and eating everything I can get my fat stubby fingers on.

So I  wake up on my 33rd birthday with a house that smells like dog because my husband brought one home as a surprise!!!!   I am quite sure I am allergic to it. Compliments of my husband’s sweet visit in for my birthday. A dog is against our lease and I have 4 children I care for. I am legally obligated because they are ours. The last thing on my wish lit is an eviction notice and something else to pee, vomit and crap everywhere. I am now more excited than ever for this 5:30 am spin class ! I can not wait to sweat out this layer of doggy dandruff and burn some calories.

Upon arrival I realize I have misplaced this small portion of Gold known as my 2 wk pass to the sexy people’s gym and they are not going to let me in unless I go back to my car get my ID and sign in as a day visitor. As I am walking back out some serious gym members are on their way in. Of course I hold open the door ! NOT ONE THANK YOU! Just another validation on my 33rd birthday that no one gives a damn.

(Enough of my passive aggressive ranting on door holding. I believe it’s something I can’t help like little man syndrome = I desire to be fit and beautiful but I lack that gene that makes you work hard and eat right and give a fu**. So I find other things I am good at like manners and social etiquette minus thank you notes and choose to go off on how much more evolved I am in this department. )

Finally in the spin class room. My friend the sweet Peruvian beauty informs me she loves the front row. I am a back row gal in all things included . Life ? BACKROW! As I head towards the back not once not twice but 3 times the instructor calls everyone to the front. By everyone I mean me and my friend. I begrudgingly obliged.  He measures the seat and everything. Tells me I am ready and I climb on. Climb is the proper adjective here because a spin class bike is not a normal bike it is awkward and designed for tall thin people that have long legs. I fall under none of the suggested categories. I am not tall, not thin, nor do I have long legs. I am now  in an almost fetal resting position but elongated more on top reaching out to the handle bars. I feel as though some abuser is coming at me and I can not quite make the full fetal position to cover my head . I feel just as frightened too. The sit is narrow and hard. I am so afraid the elongated stretch of my back will pull up my shirt and  with every pedaling involved  my pants will inch down. My muffin top pop out and push my pants until they expose my crack.. There are mirrors in front of me so I can properly see every roll of fat toppling over the next and we are called to stand and peddle. I am barely sitting and peddling. I am concentrating on how I can possibly adjust this bike from hell to be more comfortable and peddle the entire hour. Until I am aware that my sweet friend has requested a birthday song by all the beautiful people to me.

I am not a quitter but in this case that is exactly what I became. Okay I am a quitter. I couldn’t help it. My neurosis kicked in I imagined people talking later.I imagine if someone said I saw a girls crack in spin today maybe I could squirm by never completely being identified but if there were other identifying descriptions like the one that turned 33 and we sang o her in the 5:30 am spin class on Monday well it seals my fate. complete freak out. because in these moments in my head that is what people do they talk about me.

. I try to kindly and politely leave like in insanity class but imagine an elephant removing itself from a tiny unicycle.

 My departure wasn’t as secret as I had hoped. I waited in the Locker room that smells a lot less like Dillards at 5:30 am than it does at 9:30 am and cried a little. I am going to get there though. I am going to become more confident, thinner, healthier and I am going to finish a spin class . Just not today! Okay maybe never.

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